Ruby was 4 weeks old yesterday, it has just flown by. It sounds silly but already i cant remember what life was like before she arrived, quieter i'm guessing but other than that. She is gradually settling into a routine at night going several hours between feeds most nights and my partner and i are getting some 'us' time when both girls are in bed. Its nice just being able to snuggle up on the sofa and watch a bit of tv without children climbing on us, crying, puking or any of the other lovely things children do.
I think my partner is still finding the adjustment hard and not sure he has bonded with the baby yet which worries me slightly. He wont admit as much and tried to avoid the question 'do you love her?' he would only commit to 'i know i dont feel the same way about her as you do'. I know it must be hard for him, i've had 9 mths to bond with her, feeling her move and hearing her heart beating at antenatal appointments. And the first week or so was hard it sounds awful to admit it but the thought 'i've made a terrible mistake' did cross my mind on a couple of occassions. Now i wouldnt be without her and she totally melted my heart the other day when she gave me a huge grin (it wasnt just wind) i'd forgotten how magical the 'firsts' can be, smiling, laughing, walking etc. He seems to prefer to spend time with our oldest little girl, but i'm pretty sure i had these worries when she was born and it didnt seem like he was bonding. I'm hoping its just a confidence thing and as she starts to do more he will bond with her as he has with our other daughter.
Our oldest seems to be getting used to her new sister now. She has taken to lying on the activity mat with her and holding her hand which is so sweet. She comes up and kisses and cuddles her alot during the day too. Although i think when Ruby starts crying it still upsets her a bit and she does get jealous if Ruby is taking up too much of my time. I'm trying to set aside time for her when Ruby is asleep in the day to do things she enjoys such as painting and glueing and reading.
I'm feeling ok in myself, tired a lot of the time but thats to be expected with a new baby. I've been giving the future a lot of thought, my career in particular. It worries me the longer i stay out of full time work the less use my degree will be. I'm torn between being at home with the kids and kick starting my career. I know motherhood is the most important job in the world but and this is probably totally selfish i want to experience the challenges work can bring and i miss learning and having new experiences and to be honest the money would come in handy. Working from home would be the perfect compromise i think but thats not really possible with the career i want and i cant find anything else that interests me. I dont need to worry about returning to work until the end of the year so for now i'll just enjoy watching the girls grow up. I know anyway that if i did go back to work full time i'd miss the girls terribly and i'd feel so guilty about it. I guess this is the dilemma that most of todays women face and one there is no right answer to.
take care x
2 comments:
It's so difficult balancing all the demands that life throws your way. You sound like such a balanced, loving person Pebbles-ricycle. I do take a great deal from your posts. Thanks Emma.
hya u,
i think its a generally difficult thing for the bloke in any relationship when a new baby arrives. i think they tend to be better at the rough and tumble stuff, which for new babies is a bit of a no go to be fair!
try not to worry about it!
Easier said than done though i know!
& as for the whole work / mother thing, well again i don't think that there's no right or wrong answer about it all. but what i would say is to be a good mother i think that you need to be fulfilled. from what i know of you, i know your an extremely intelligent, diligent and organized individual who needs to be in stimulating situation.
don't put pressure on yourself now because in worrying you will take away from enjoying the special time that you have at present. but for the future i certainly wouldn't feel guilty about challenging yourself and in actual fact probably making a better life for you and your family.
Anyway, enough with the seriousness! ha ah
take care
purkul
x
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