Depression and pregnancy

I've lived with depression now for 10 years. The various bouts have come and gone over varying period of time and at present i have been coping (mostly successfully) unmedicated for 2.5 years. I feel its something i'll always have though, no matter how happy i feel some days i know the darkness is just lurking around the corner waiting to grab hold at the slightest moment of weakness.

Although at the moment i'm feeling pretty good (despite feeling slightly emotional today) there is always the snowballing effect which tends to grab me unawares as if to remind me depression is still part of my life. One small thing can stress me out and all of a sudden it snowballs into this massive, all consuming, uncontrollable panic. I know i'm in control of the depression and not it of me because i still have some grasp on the reality of the situation and within a day or two i can think 'normal' again. But it still knocks me a bit.

I'm 27 weeks pregnant today and being pregnant brings its own stresses and hormonal inbalances. I think not really being able to control anything that is happening to my body and especially whats to come sets me off. But i get into a panic over the smallest things. God maybe i'm just a control freak ;) But while i'm in control it means i can cope, i've been rock bottom, self harming and suicidal before, i cried everytime i woke up because i was still alive and my biggest fear is going back there again. As soon as i lose control of my thoughts and feelings i know its a fast, free falling flight into the depths of despair. But i'm determined not to go there again, not just for me but for the sake of my lovely fiance and children. I owe them so much more.

Pregnancy is not all smiles and glowing, it can be the scariest and loneliest time in a woman's life. But the creation of life what can be more amazing than that and thats why every moment of panic and every ounce of stress is worth it. The moment your child looks at you with such unconditional love and smiles is the most magical and moving experience, nothing can top that. So for all those dark days i wished i was dead i'm now so glad that i'm still here because i wouldnt have missed this for the world.

x

mental health on ITV1

I'm straying away from the mummy memoirs today to comment on a feature i have just seen on todays 'This Morning' on ITV1. They are running a series this week on different mental health disorders.

Today they were looking at manic depression. I dont have any personal experience of manic depression or bi-polar disorder but i thought the subject was dealt with very well. There was some focus on what i imagine some people would class as the comical element of the disorder 'the man featured washed his hair in tomato soup and painted his carpet blue during one manic episode' , however it also looked at the serious side of the condition and the effect it can have on the sufferer and people around them.

There was also a very positive message in the feature as the sufferer shown graduated from university with a good degree, is a successful author and has been medication free for over 2 years. It just goes to show there is always hope even for the most serious sufferers and we should never give up trying to live the kind of life we all want and deserve to live despite our mental illnesses.
Well done to 'This Morning' i look forward to seeing more positive stories on mental health from them.

Take care and stay positive.

fat but organised!

hi

well im now 25+1 weeks, been to see the midwife today and everything is fine, blood pressure is still a little high but down from what it was and she isn't concerned. The tests have come back low risk for spina bifida and down's so we're looking good.

My fiance has now felt the ricicle kicking i think he was surprised by the force of the blows, she is definately making herself know in there now.

My mum sent me some baby stuff she had bought yesterday, so the baby's hospital bag is now packed. I know i'm really early but dont want to get caught out again as my little girl was premature and we had nothing packed when she decided to make her appearance. No last minute trips to Mothercare the first night home, this time. I'm determined to be organised so i've written the list for my hospital bag and a list of what we still need to buy. Still some work to do but at least i've made a start.

take care and keep smiling!

fat mummy

It has taken me some time to get here but at last my first blog.

I'm 24 +3 weeks pregnant with my second baby and feeling fat. My little girl is 22 mths and hitting the 'terrible twos' so feeling pretty tired with it all. On a positive note though the ricicle (baby) is moving loads now which is always lovely.

Today has definately been a good day, felt quite positive all day and all tantrums (the little one not mine) were at a minimum even a trip to tesco passed without too much drama. I like days like this.

take care and stay positive