wedding day nerves.

Its been a while since my last blog this has been due to technology failure. We have changed internet providers and it has taken me all this time to get broadband up and running. I cant believe how much i missed it.
The countdown is really on now to the wedding. It's 2 weeks on saturday and to put it politely im wetting myself. I know it probably sounds stupid bearing in mind we have 2 children and live together so in theory nothing should change. But i'm so nervous partly because im going to be center of attention which isn't my style but partly because it just seems like such a big deal saying "im going to be with you forever".
I love Sean with all my heart, dont get me wrong he drives me up the wall a lot of the time but without even realising it he has given me so much and taught me so many things about myself. I still get butterflies when he kisses me and he has the ability to make the world stand still when he holds me. He has such a kind and beautiful heart and i'm a lucky girl to have found him (Purkul can take the credit for that). I know he is 'the one' but it doesnt stop me worrying.
I never thought i'd ever meet someone, settle down and do the whole marriage and kids thing so i think thats where my worrying, nerves etc comes from. I'm sure many brides and grooms go through all these feelings. I've found denial is a good place to be at the moment, a friend once introduced me to denial (she knows who she is) and at times like this, when i need to be in organisation mode believe me its where i need to be. Once everything on the list is ticked off and all the plans are in place then i can freak out about the fact i'm going to be someones 'wife'.

I'm getting married!

My partner and i decided on thursday night that we were going to set a date for the wedding. We have been putting it off mainly because of money, the modern wedding is very expensive so we were planning to save up. Life gets in the way of these things though there is so many things we want to do so saving for the wedding had kind of taken a back seat really. We are doing some building work at the moment and our new kitchen is being fitted in a few weeks, we want to replace the bathroom suite, which like the kitchen we inherited with the house and has needed changing since we moved in. Then of course there are the girls, and children certainly dont come cheap. Then there is the 101 other things that need doing so the big wedding thing was never going to happen.
I always thought i would get married in Scotland but it just wasnt going to be feasible so we decided to wait no longer and plan a wedding for down here. Neither of us are religious so we opted for a registry office, i called the registrar on Friday morning and within a few minutes i had a wedding date for the 20th October this year (9 weeks away). I cant believe its happening so quickly, i've gone into planning mode, with lots of panic thrown in. I'm doing not to bad the reception is booked and the catering sorted, as is the cake. I'm going to view wedding cars tonight and i've got quotes from photographers. I've chosen the florist and what flowers i want i just need to go and speak to her about how i want them arranged. I'm going for roses because sean is english and thistles because i'm scottish.
Sean has chosen his best man although i dont think either of them are keen on the fact i want them to wear kilts. They have fittings on saturday for them. I love a man in a kilt i'm sure they will be happier once the see them on (i hope). I'm going wedding dress shopping on friday, i'm very excited but also really nervous for some reason. I have also ordered dresses for Jessica and Ruby, they are going to look so cute! I just need to organise a kilt for my nephew and a dress for my neice, this is a little more difficult as they live in Alness which is near Inverness, but i'm sure i'll sort something.
Purkul is doing a fantastic job helping me make the invites, we thought it would be cheaper and nicer to make our own. It has been pretty hard work but they are looking really good i think. I couldnt have done it all without her help though, she is a star!
I better get back to it now, still lots to do and children to look after.

take care.
x

Mull of Galloway

We got back on saturday from our week away in the Mull of Galloway, the most southernly point of Scotland. It is a beautiful part of the country and i would recommend it to anyone who wants some peace and quiet, quality time to themselves with beautiful views and who doesnt mind having cows as their nearest neighbours. It was really remote but as long as you have a car you're in travelling distance to a lot of lovely little villages and towns.

It took us five hours to get there but that did include a stop for feeding, nappy change and a stretch of the legs. Ruby slept most of the way only waking for her feed so that was good but gone are the days when our oldest slept all the way. So there were a couple of arguments over the straps on her car seat (we are going through a phase of trying to escape the restraints of her car seat) but we all made it in one piece.

Jessica loved spending time with my niece (12) and nephew (5). We were staying in the old lighthouse keepers cottage now owned by the National Trust. The garden was very secure so the kids could run around without an adult with them constantly and then there were plenty of places to walk outside the cottage. The view out the rooms at the back of the cottage looked straight out onto the sea, definately a lovely way to wake up in the mornings.

We went to Port Logan and Port Patrick both lovely little towns with small beaches. Jessica insisted that the beach was made of snow, (poor child doesnt get to see much sand in Stoke-on-Trent). We visited a victorian fish larder, basically a big pond full of fish but the kids got to hold star fish and other such creatures so they loved it. And of course we climbed to the top of the lighthouse (115 steps) amongst other various trips. But the best trip was probably on the HSS Stena to Belfast. The ferry was lovely inside and there was plenty of things to do on board including a cinema. When we got to Belfast we took a coach trip to the zoo. Had to climb lots of steep hills in the zoo so the kids were all ready for bed by the time we got back to the cottage that night.

I've always been a fan of my mobile phone but it was a rare occasion when one of us got reception, but it was kinda nice having the feeling of being away from it all. But sadly its back to normality now, although i do feel my batteries have been recharged some what.

Tears and tantrums

Can you believe this weather its suppose to be July so where is the sun? Was hoping with the sun would come long walks to help lose the baby weight i gained and also get the girls out in the fresh air but it would appear that its not meant to be. I feel like a caged animal when i cant get out the house for days on end. Ruby doesnt sleep much during the day if we are in the house so ive got both kids to keep entertained, which can be quite difficult when the older one wants to paint or make cakes and the younger one picks this time to want a feed or need a nappy change. This usually results in quite a mess, my ability to multi task is definately put to the test.

Ruby is 10 weeks old now and she is getting much easier especially at night. It can take a couple of attempts to get her settled but once she is asleep i pretty much get the evening to myself then. The problem this week has been with Jessica. On wednesday she had a party at playgroup for all the kids that are leaving and starting school after the summer. We walked in and to say there were kids and adults everywhere is an understatement i found it quite intimidating so i can only imagine how she felt and she got quite upset. I decided to stay with her so as not to upset her any more but while we were in the group singing i had to leave the room as Ruby woke up and was screaming Jessica started to cry and one of the play leaders held onto her and shut the door behind me. She did stop crying but as soon as they left the room to come back to the main hall and Jessica saw me she became quite distressed again. She eventually calmed down and seemed to enjoy the rest of the party. However that night when we tried to put her to bed she threw an almighty tantrum when we tried to close the bedroom door, a couple of hours later she calmed down enough to fall asleep, but since then whenever we shut a door or stairgate and she cant get to us she becomes really distressed. Her behaviour has also changed when we take her out, we get a lot more tears and tantrums that we did before. We are finding it difficult because she disturbs Ruby and we have never really had a problem with her at night she has pretty much always been a good sleeper and we have never needed to leave a light on or have the door open. Each night she is slowly getting better but at the moment the door is having to be left open although the size of gap it is left open is gradually getting smaller and im hoping in a few night we can have it shut altogether. I dont know if this is a normal phase kids go through, separation anxiety i think they call it or if its a real problem. I just hope she gets back to normal soon. But i think it just shows how one seemingly small incident can have a big impact on a child and their behaviour. It has really made me think.

postnatal check and buggy buying minefield

Ruby is 8 weeks old now and growing by the day. She had her postnatal check on tuesday and is tipping the scales (quite literally) at 12lb 5oz and is 57cm long. So in 8 weeks she has gained 4lb 2oz and grown 7 cm, what are they putting in the formula i ask myself. With her little chubby cheeks she is pretty damn cute though and all the receptionists at the doctors were all fussing over her although she wasnt all that impressed by them. But she was even less impressed by her first lot of vaccinations, i'm sure the whole of stoke on trent must have heard her scream. And we have got to go through it all again in 4 weeks times, something to look forward to.

We went buggy shopping last night. Ruby has been using the buggy we bought for her sister as it has the whole travel system thing going on but i decided the buggy is just too big and clumsy and a nightmare to get on and off buses and when we fold it in the back of the car it takes up half the boot space which is quite an achievement as we have an estate. We went to mothercare 'just to have a look' who would have thought it was so difficult to choose a buggy. There is so much to consider whether you want 'compact telescopic fold' or a 'lightweight flat fold chassis' and whether you need 'four way suspension' or just 'air-filled back tyres for greater suspension' not to mention '360 degree monofork front swivel wheel and disc brake' (what the hell is that!!!) you can even get one with a built in docking station for an ipod so you can play nursery rhymes to your baby while out and about. Then of course there is which colour to choose sulphur or pistachio, indian spice or strawberry. I just wanted a buggy that looks half decent and that ruby can sit in! we ended up leaving with a loola which has all round suspension, handle mounted lock to switch between fixed or swivel wheels and lightweight aluminium frame, they were sold out of pearly grey so we went for sport red. Most importantly we didnt need to take out a second mortgage to afford it . And after all that was Ruby impressed by our choice? I dont think she even noticed that she wasnt in her usual buggy that's gratitude for you.
x

aww isnt she cute, but then i would say that!

well Ruby will be 6 weeks tomorrow and she is definately feeling like part of the family now. Its funny how you quickly adjust to a new baby and slip into a routine. She smiles loads and has started gooing and gaaing which is very sweet. It is taking some time but she is gradually becoming more of a contented baby. She hasnt enjoyed this hot weather we have been having it must be my Scottish genes she has inherited, more used to the cold weather. I think she is generally just all hot and bothered, lets hope the rest of the summer doesnt get too hot.

My partner seems to be adjusting to having a new baby now, he does most of ruby's baths and feeds before she goes down to bed at night and since she has started smiling at him i think he is feeling a bit more loved. I've told him not to take it so personally when she cries and wont stop he seemed to think it was because of him, but babies cry its what they do and something Ruby is very good at!

Jessica started playgroup last week, its only a couple of hours on a thursday morning but she loved it, i think she is really ready for it. Educationally i dont think its that important at the moment as she is doing well for her age regards to counting, colours, shapes etc but socially i'm hoping it will bring her on a bit. Every morning since she went she has asked if she can go and play with the boys and girls so i'm taking this as a good sign. I'm going to try and leave her this week and see how it goes. I imagine its going to be harder for me than it will be for her.

I've given up hope of losing weight by just eating chocolate sadly it doesnt seem to work, so i've gone on the GI diet, to be honest a lot of it is common sense and just eating healthy while cutting down on portion size. Been to the gym a couple of times but really need to start making it more of a regular thing. Its just trying to fit it in. I pretty much feel knackered all the time and feel slighlty guilty of leaving the girls with their dad when he been at work all day. But i do feel the benefits of getting out on my own for an hour and doing a bit of exercise. I think i'd feel happier in myself too if i lost weight. I put on 2 1/2 stone when i was pregnant i have lost sum of it but still got another 11 pound to go and hopefully a bit more will follow.

take care x

4 weeks on.

Ruby was 4 weeks old yesterday, it has just flown by. It sounds silly but already i cant remember what life was like before she arrived, quieter i'm guessing but other than that. She is gradually settling into a routine at night going several hours between feeds most nights and my partner and i are getting some 'us' time when both girls are in bed. Its nice just being able to snuggle up on the sofa and watch a bit of tv without children climbing on us, crying, puking or any of the other lovely things children do.

I think my partner is still finding the adjustment hard and not sure he has bonded with the baby yet which worries me slightly. He wont admit as much and tried to avoid the question 'do you love her?' he would only commit to 'i know i dont feel the same way about her as you do'. I know it must be hard for him, i've had 9 mths to bond with her, feeling her move and hearing her heart beating at antenatal appointments. And the first week or so was hard it sounds awful to admit it but the thought 'i've made a terrible mistake' did cross my mind on a couple of occassions. Now i wouldnt be without her and she totally melted my heart the other day when she gave me a huge grin (it wasnt just wind) i'd forgotten how magical the 'firsts' can be, smiling, laughing, walking etc. He seems to prefer to spend time with our oldest little girl, but i'm pretty sure i had these worries when she was born and it didnt seem like he was bonding. I'm hoping its just a confidence thing and as she starts to do more he will bond with her as he has with our other daughter.

Our oldest seems to be getting used to her new sister now. She has taken to lying on the activity mat with her and holding her hand which is so sweet. She comes up and kisses and cuddles her alot during the day too. Although i think when Ruby starts crying it still upsets her a bit and she does get jealous if Ruby is taking up too much of my time. I'm trying to set aside time for her when Ruby is asleep in the day to do things she enjoys such as painting and glueing and reading.

I'm feeling ok in myself, tired a lot of the time but thats to be expected with a new baby. I've been giving the future a lot of thought, my career in particular. It worries me the longer i stay out of full time work the less use my degree will be. I'm torn between being at home with the kids and kick starting my career. I know motherhood is the most important job in the world but and this is probably totally selfish i want to experience the challenges work can bring and i miss learning and having new experiences and to be honest the money would come in handy. Working from home would be the perfect compromise i think but thats not really possible with the career i want and i cant find anything else that interests me. I dont need to worry about returning to work until the end of the year so for now i'll just enjoy watching the girls grow up. I know anyway that if i did go back to work full time i'd miss the girls terribly and i'd feel so guilty about it. I guess this is the dilemma that most of todays women face and one there is no right answer to.

take care x

peace at last!

Both children are in bed, sean in the pub and my family back home in Edinburgh and Inverness. Peace at last!
It has been a bit of a mad weekend. My mum, sister and my niece and nephew came down to meet Ruby. They stayed at our house which was a bit of a squeeze. My little girl loved it her and my nephew were running around getting up to mischief. She kept kissing and cuddling him which was very sweet. Ruby was on good form. She has settled down loads, i've changed the bottles i was using to the dr Brown ones and the difference in her was almost instant. She still cries quite a bit but no where near as much and she settles earlier and easier at night even going as long as 5.5 hours during the night which means i'm managing to get some sleep now.
We went shopping although with 3 children under 5 there wasnt much shopping done so we gave up and went to wacky warehouse which the kids loved and it helped use up some of their endless energy. It was lovely having the family visit but it was also quite nice getting the house back to normal.
I managed to have a long soak in the bath today, maybe not worth noting for some but it seems so long since i was last able to lie back in some bubbles and read a magazine without a 2 year old trying to climb in or shouting on me from the bottom of the stairs, or a baby crying and a partner suddenly incapable of seeing to her. Its amazing what a peaceful bath can do, i feel recharged afterwards and a bit more sane. Until you have children i dont think you always appreciate 'me' time but now i make the most of it because i dont always know when i'm going to get it again.
I think i'm going to go an enjoy another pleasure now, SLEEP, something else i have to make the most of these days.

take care x

Welcome to the world Ruby Mae

It has been a while since my last blog but i've been quite busy, including giving birth!

Ruby Mae arrived (in quite a hurry) on the 2nd may at 2.38pm and weighed a healthy 8lb 3oz. After a trip to the midwife in the morning she informed me that my cervix was open around 5cm and as soon as i started having regular contractions i need to get to the hospital quickly as i would dialate to 5cm straight away. She did a membrane sweep and sent me on my merry way. Within 2hrs i started having pains which immediately came 4 minutes apart and very quickly progressed to 1 minute apart. It was a mad dash to the hospital, being held up at traffic lights, road works etc along the way. I was convinced i was going to give birth at the side of the road.

Yet again i didnt get my water birth as the head was crowning and i was ready to push by the time i got to the labour room. But i have to say the experience was so much better this time. I used gas and air and the whole thing was more relaxed and the midwives pretty much left me alone to do what came naturally. It hurt a lot less this time too, even with a baby nearly 3 pound heavier than my first. Five hours after the birth i was able to go home and celebrate with a curry.

The past 11 days have been very demanding, i breast fed for the first 5 days but Ruby is a very hungry baby with an extremely strong sucking reflex and i was in a lot of pain and i felt my other little girl wasnt getting enough attention so i swapped her to a bottle. It was a difficult decision and one which made me feel like i had failed causing a few tears, mine and ruby's. I have to say i'm finding second time around a lot harder she is not a very contented baby and cries a lot but i have to keep reminding myself it is early days and hopefully things will settle down soon. I'm feeling quite emotional too which isnt helping the situation i'm hoping its just the hormones and the tears will settle down soon too.

take care x

Counting the days!

I'm now 38 +1 weeks pregnant and counting the days until i deliver this baby. I'm feeling very uncomfortable now and not getting much sleep at night (i thought sleepless nights came after the baby was born?!) I dont think i can physically grow any bigger than i am now without bursting.

The last couple of days have been busy, i had to take my little girl to see the health visitor yesterday for her 2 year check and she passed with flying colours. She said that there are some areas that she is more advanced than many 3 year olds. As you can imagine i was very proud. I cant have done to bad a job up until now then. Its always a relief to know your child is developing normally.

Today i was back at the doctors but this time for the Ricicle. Her head isnt fully engaged yet (although this is normal for subsequent babies) but it has moved down further into my pelvis since my last appointment, so its a positive sign. All my tests were fine and the heart beat is still strong so she seems quite happy at the moment. The midwife recommended raspberry leaf tea/tablets and lots of sex to encourage labour. I had to make another appointment for 2 weeks time in case i havent delivered by then (God No!!!!) she says she will perform a membrane sweep if i do have to go back to her in the hope that it will encourage the baby some more. Lets just hope it doesnt come to that. Some positive news, well for me anyway was that she doesnt think it will be a huge baby, she is measuring approx 7lbs at the moment, but then i'm not convinced these things are all that accurate at this stage but at least she didnt say the baby is a big 10 pounder, i really would cry then. Maybe she is just being kind to me, i didnt think of that at the time, lets hope not!

take care x

Officially full term!!!!!

I'm 37 weeks pregnant today and officially classed as full term, so no prem baby this time. My midwife has told me that as long as there are no complications and the birthing pool is free i can have my water birth and come home the same day, which i'm really happy about. She also told me that even if the birthing pool isnt free i can still use water as my form of pain relief by lying in a bath which they have several of next to the labour rooms, I cant deliver the baby in the bath but can at least use the water for some of the labour. I'm hoping to avoid any medicinal pain relief again but i'm probably more open to the idea this time if i need it. I tried gas and air last time near the end but didnt like it, because my little girl was early i didnt want to use any other form of pain relief so went without.

We have gone over my birth plan, my bags are packed, the car seat is ready. All i need now is for the ricicle to make her appearance. I'm still really nervous about the birth but at least this time (hopefully) i'll have more control over what happens. I just hate not knowing when it is going to happen, i'm a planner and very impatient which doesnt go well with a natural birth. I've been so caught up in avoiding a premature birth that i didnt give much thought to going over due. Oh the thought of it! I cant go over due!

Nesting syndrome seems to have kicked in again today. I did the usual housework and then spent the rest of the day cleaning my little girls room, moving her furniture, sorting through her things etc, then i hovered the stairs, a job i usually avoid like the plague. I think it is partly down to feeling so restless i've been going out for a walk everyday and seem to find it difficult just sitting still. I know i'll probably regret not resting once the ricicle is here but i'm making the most of the little energy that i do have. I am starting to pay for todays burst of energy now though, i really ache i think a soak in a bubble bath will be called for later.

x

spring has sprung in Scotland.

The count down is really on now, only 5 weeks to go. I've pretty much got past my danger period with regards to a premature birth so hopefully well on my way to that water birth and a beautiful healthy baby.

I'm writing this from Scotland, i'm staying in the little village i spent the first 22 years of my life growing up in. Its situated west of Edinburgh and can you believe it, tempting fate i know but we are yet to have any rain! My little girl and i have come up for a little rest before the big event. She is being spoiled terribly by her Granny and enjoying every second of it. Its quite nice though as she doesnt really see much of my family as they are all up here and its quite a distance to travel.

It is taking some time to adjust on my part, i haven't spend more than a few hours alone with my parents for many years. The last time i spent a week with them was when i got out of hospital after a failed suicide attempt at 19 years old. My relationship with them has always been strained for a number of reasons but much to my surprise it is going quite well at the moment but then it is only monday!

I was slightly nervous about coming back for any length of time i've always thought that the village holds a lot of bad memories for me as the majority of my bad bouts of depression happened when i lived here. Bringing my little girl with me has made me view the place from a different perspective she can see spring lambs from her bedroom window, instead of just rows of house roofs and there is vast fields, and trees the other side of the house. Today we went picking wild spring flowers and collecting cones, she loves just being able to run free without me calling her back for fear of her tripping over beer cans or in dog mess. In her eyes it is a magical and exciting place full of adventure and made for exploring.

It has made me realise this place wasnt so bad and i'm grateful that i had the chance to grow up in such surroundings, many kids growing up in the city dont get the chance to see lambs chasing each other around a field or foxes out hunting as the sun goes down. My depression was connected to many things and i probably outgrew my birth place but it certainly wasnt the cause. My life is totally different now, mentally i'm in a better place and i'm a different person from the one that left Scotland for good 4 1/2 years ago. I'm missing my lovely fiance like mad but i'm glad i decided to come. I'm feeling more positive for it already.

Take care and stay positive. x

im 33+3 days pregnant, i had a bit of scare last night i started having what i thought were Braxton Hicks while out shopping in Hanley they then started coming more frequently and with back pain. I called the hospital when they were coming every 4 minutes and had to make my way up to be checked out. I was feeling very emotional about it all although i did still manage enough organised thought to pack my mascara (just in case :)).

Basically baby seems happy they think i've got ANOTHER infection which is making my uterus contract, but luckily my cervix is still closed so they have prescribed complete bed rest (easier said than done with a 2 yr old at home!) and i was given a steriod injection last night (rather painful) and i had to go back today for another to help mature the babys lungs just in case.

The contractions stopped coming regularly around 2.30am still getting the odd one now and again but feeling more comfortable. Just got to wait for the test results to come back and hope the ricicle decides to stay put in the mean time.

This pregnancy seems to have been plagued with problems but once my little bundle arrives i'm sure it will have been all worth it.

x

The nesting syndrome

I'm 33 +1 weeks pregnant and just wishing for it to be over now. Dont think i can survive another 7 weeks. I'm in quite a bit of discomfort now and especially today where i hurt from head to toe and unmentionable places too. Think some of the aches and pains may be down to the nesting syndrome kicking in, i kind of went on a mad cleaning spree the last couple of days with lots of ruthless decluttering of toys the scary thing is i quite enjoyed it, which believe me is quite unusual for me. I just hope it lasts until i finish the final 3 rooms upstairs. I'm only 1.5 weeks away from when i delivered my little girl so i'm supposed to be taking it easy but when you get the urge you just gotta go with it and i'm feeling very restless so sitting with my feet up is the last thing i want to do even if it was possible with a busy 2 year old running around.

I finished work on sunday so i'm a lady of leisure now, well sort of. The hospital had advised that i dont do any lifting at work from now on and since about 90% of my job as a health care support worker involves manual handling of some discription, we came to a mutual decision that i would finish a bit earlier than planned. I think its probably a good thing though, it means i can spend more time with my little one before the baby arrives and i can try and get the house in order for the arrival, oh and rest of course.

Feeling quite tearful at the moment and very irritable, putting it down to pregnancy hormones though. I just hope they settle down soon, i feel like i'm either a walking teardrop or an arguement waiting to happen.

I've been giving the birth a bit more thought recently but to be honest i think denial is the best place to be. I hated the whole experience last time and the thought of having the same sort of birth again isnt a nice thought to have, it wasn't all that traumatic compared to some stories i've heard but it was just everything i didnt want. But i suppose you just have to think positively and if i can get past 37 weeks i'm well on my way to the water birth i wanted first time around.

On a more happy note, its Mother's day on sunday (my little girl was born on Mother's day, lets hope history doesnt repeat itself) so that's something to look forward to. Happy Mother's day to all of you who are mums or mums to be out there, hope you have a good day however you spend it.

x

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY LITTLE SAUSAGE!!!

My little girl is 2 today!!! Look at her when she was just a tiny sleepy baby, oh how she has changed. God its scary i look at her now running around with a fairy crown on her head amongst the chaos of presents and wrapping paper and it just seems like yesterday the midwife was handing me this little scrawny orange (very jaundice) premature baby. I cant believe i've survived 2 years and more amazing still that she has survived 2 years. She was sitting having lunch and started counting and got straight through from 1 to 12 with no hesitation or mistakes and it really made me smile i've got a beautiful, happy, clever little girl and i made her (ok with a little help from her daddy) i've really not done such a bad job, she makes me so proud.

And i'm just about to do it all again. I'm 32 weeks today. I was at the hospital yesterday to see the consultant again and i've been discharged back to the care of my midwife because they are really happy with the baby. They have said the next 2.5 weeks are my most dangerous period because thats when i delivered my little girl but if i can get past that then my chances of delivering prematurely really decrease, so i'll be keeping my legs crossed for now and its all down to the ricicle now and when she decides she wants to enter this world.

take care and stay positive.

Birthday celebrations but feeling poorly.

Im now 30+6weeks pregnant and feeling crap. As well as my usual pregnancy aches and pains and the baby wriggling and kicking i've been to the doctor this morning and i have a chest infection, urinary tract infection and conjunctivitis, its official i'm falling apart!!!! I hate taking any type of medication when i'm pregnant but i suppose needs must and i'm sure i'll feel a lot worse if i dont. My little girl also has a bad cold and conjunctivitis so we are both feeling sorry for ourselves.

I'm glad it subsided a bit on saturday, it was my fiances birthday on friday and we managed a rare night out together on saturday to celebrate. We went to the new local indian restaurant for a meal which was nice they had a buffet set out so we could try different things, my only complaint was that the baby seems to be taking up a lot of space now so there wasn't much room for food :( We then decided to head to the cinema and watched Hannibal rising. I got the book at christmas but found it very hard going and no where near as good as silence of the lambs, hannibal etc but we both enjoyed the film despite its poor reviews.

I imagine saturday will be my last chance of a night out with my fiance for a while, the next one would be my birthday near the end of April but if i'm still holding on i'll be the size of a house by then and probably not much in the mood for celebrating.

Its my little girls birthday in a couple of weeks i cant believe my baby will be 2. But we will probably do something as a family, thinking of going to the west midlands safari park or somewhere like that. She isnt much of a party queen yet so i dont think she would enjoy a birthday party. Give her time though and i'm sure she will love being the centre of attention.

x take care and stay positive

Where has the time gone?

Im now 29+2weeks pregnant, where has the time gone? If i go full term i've got less than 11 weeks to go, if i delivered at the same stage as i did with my little girl thats only just over 5 weeks away!!!

I'm feeling huge although i did weigh myself the other day and i've only put on just over a stone so far i'm sure the scales must be lying to me but i dont mind. I really do feel ready to burst, at least i do look pregnant this time, last time i just looked like i had a bad case of trapped wind. Im getting really impatient now one minute i want it all over with but then i remember what i have to do to get the baby out and think maybe i'm not so ready yet (oooo the pain!).

The baby is really active now especially when i want to sleep (typical). It is quite uncomfortable at times, i'm sure she has several pairs of arms and legs i seem to have her various body parts sticking out at all angles so not sure which position she is lying in.

My diabetes tests came back normal so thats one less thing to worry about. Can you imagine the stress of not being able to eat chocolate that would surely have brought on premature labour ;)

Not much longer to go at work and believe me i'm counting down the shifts. I've got 4 weeks of holidays to take before my maternity leave kicks in so i actually finish work the 19th march. In reality i cant see me getting any time to relax before the impending arrival, with a soon to be 2 year old and a house and fiance to look after i'm probably going to be pretty busy but at least i can lavish some attention on my little one before the baby comes along as i'm sure she will feel a little left out in the beginning despite our best intentions.

take care and stay positive.
x

Trip to the hospital

I'm 27+6weeks today and had to go back to the hospital to see the consultant re: increased chance of premature labour. After much poking and prodding, peeing in metal bowls etc (oh the glamour) everything seems fine. According to my notes there is evidence i've had an infection but the doctor didnt mention it so i'm guessing there no concerns. The ricicle is smack bang on the middle line on the customised growth chart and has a healthy heart beat so its all looking good.

Got to go back on friday to have some tests for gestational diabetes since my dad and papa both have diabetes and my 28 week bloods for haemoglobin and antibodies levels need to be checked. Can you believe they want me there at 8.15 in the morning, grr!

Got to go back to see the consultant in 4 weeks to check that everything is still ok and then fingers crossed i wont need to go back until the ricicle is born.

The consultant was really nice (not bad looking either) he recommended a team at the hospital who help support pregnant women who have mental illnesses. I told him i'm feeling ok for now but it is nice to know there is help and support there if its needed. Help for mental illness isn't always readily available around here not unless you can wait weeks or months on a waiting list.

Its always a relief to hear everything is ok with the baby but at this stage of pregnancy i definately dont feel like i'm blooming myself. Finding it increasingly difficult to sleep even though i'm constantly tired, waking up with indigestion most nights doesnt help. My breasts have started leaking (tmi i know, sorry) and i constantly ache from head to toe. oh my god its only down hill from here too :(

x

Depression and pregnancy

I've lived with depression now for 10 years. The various bouts have come and gone over varying period of time and at present i have been coping (mostly successfully) unmedicated for 2.5 years. I feel its something i'll always have though, no matter how happy i feel some days i know the darkness is just lurking around the corner waiting to grab hold at the slightest moment of weakness.

Although at the moment i'm feeling pretty good (despite feeling slightly emotional today) there is always the snowballing effect which tends to grab me unawares as if to remind me depression is still part of my life. One small thing can stress me out and all of a sudden it snowballs into this massive, all consuming, uncontrollable panic. I know i'm in control of the depression and not it of me because i still have some grasp on the reality of the situation and within a day or two i can think 'normal' again. But it still knocks me a bit.

I'm 27 weeks pregnant today and being pregnant brings its own stresses and hormonal inbalances. I think not really being able to control anything that is happening to my body and especially whats to come sets me off. But i get into a panic over the smallest things. God maybe i'm just a control freak ;) But while i'm in control it means i can cope, i've been rock bottom, self harming and suicidal before, i cried everytime i woke up because i was still alive and my biggest fear is going back there again. As soon as i lose control of my thoughts and feelings i know its a fast, free falling flight into the depths of despair. But i'm determined not to go there again, not just for me but for the sake of my lovely fiance and children. I owe them so much more.

Pregnancy is not all smiles and glowing, it can be the scariest and loneliest time in a woman's life. But the creation of life what can be more amazing than that and thats why every moment of panic and every ounce of stress is worth it. The moment your child looks at you with such unconditional love and smiles is the most magical and moving experience, nothing can top that. So for all those dark days i wished i was dead i'm now so glad that i'm still here because i wouldnt have missed this for the world.

x

mental health on ITV1

I'm straying away from the mummy memoirs today to comment on a feature i have just seen on todays 'This Morning' on ITV1. They are running a series this week on different mental health disorders.

Today they were looking at manic depression. I dont have any personal experience of manic depression or bi-polar disorder but i thought the subject was dealt with very well. There was some focus on what i imagine some people would class as the comical element of the disorder 'the man featured washed his hair in tomato soup and painted his carpet blue during one manic episode' , however it also looked at the serious side of the condition and the effect it can have on the sufferer and people around them.

There was also a very positive message in the feature as the sufferer shown graduated from university with a good degree, is a successful author and has been medication free for over 2 years. It just goes to show there is always hope even for the most serious sufferers and we should never give up trying to live the kind of life we all want and deserve to live despite our mental illnesses.
Well done to 'This Morning' i look forward to seeing more positive stories on mental health from them.

Take care and stay positive.

fat but organised!

hi

well im now 25+1 weeks, been to see the midwife today and everything is fine, blood pressure is still a little high but down from what it was and she isn't concerned. The tests have come back low risk for spina bifida and down's so we're looking good.

My fiance has now felt the ricicle kicking i think he was surprised by the force of the blows, she is definately making herself know in there now.

My mum sent me some baby stuff she had bought yesterday, so the baby's hospital bag is now packed. I know i'm really early but dont want to get caught out again as my little girl was premature and we had nothing packed when she decided to make her appearance. No last minute trips to Mothercare the first night home, this time. I'm determined to be organised so i've written the list for my hospital bag and a list of what we still need to buy. Still some work to do but at least i've made a start.

take care and keep smiling!

fat mummy

It has taken me some time to get here but at last my first blog.

I'm 24 +3 weeks pregnant with my second baby and feeling fat. My little girl is 22 mths and hitting the 'terrible twos' so feeling pretty tired with it all. On a positive note though the ricicle (baby) is moving loads now which is always lovely.

Today has definately been a good day, felt quite positive all day and all tantrums (the little one not mine) were at a minimum even a trip to tesco passed without too much drama. I like days like this.

take care and stay positive