4 weeks on.

Ruby was 4 weeks old yesterday, it has just flown by. It sounds silly but already i cant remember what life was like before she arrived, quieter i'm guessing but other than that. She is gradually settling into a routine at night going several hours between feeds most nights and my partner and i are getting some 'us' time when both girls are in bed. Its nice just being able to snuggle up on the sofa and watch a bit of tv without children climbing on us, crying, puking or any of the other lovely things children do.

I think my partner is still finding the adjustment hard and not sure he has bonded with the baby yet which worries me slightly. He wont admit as much and tried to avoid the question 'do you love her?' he would only commit to 'i know i dont feel the same way about her as you do'. I know it must be hard for him, i've had 9 mths to bond with her, feeling her move and hearing her heart beating at antenatal appointments. And the first week or so was hard it sounds awful to admit it but the thought 'i've made a terrible mistake' did cross my mind on a couple of occassions. Now i wouldnt be without her and she totally melted my heart the other day when she gave me a huge grin (it wasnt just wind) i'd forgotten how magical the 'firsts' can be, smiling, laughing, walking etc. He seems to prefer to spend time with our oldest little girl, but i'm pretty sure i had these worries when she was born and it didnt seem like he was bonding. I'm hoping its just a confidence thing and as she starts to do more he will bond with her as he has with our other daughter.

Our oldest seems to be getting used to her new sister now. She has taken to lying on the activity mat with her and holding her hand which is so sweet. She comes up and kisses and cuddles her alot during the day too. Although i think when Ruby starts crying it still upsets her a bit and she does get jealous if Ruby is taking up too much of my time. I'm trying to set aside time for her when Ruby is asleep in the day to do things she enjoys such as painting and glueing and reading.

I'm feeling ok in myself, tired a lot of the time but thats to be expected with a new baby. I've been giving the future a lot of thought, my career in particular. It worries me the longer i stay out of full time work the less use my degree will be. I'm torn between being at home with the kids and kick starting my career. I know motherhood is the most important job in the world but and this is probably totally selfish i want to experience the challenges work can bring and i miss learning and having new experiences and to be honest the money would come in handy. Working from home would be the perfect compromise i think but thats not really possible with the career i want and i cant find anything else that interests me. I dont need to worry about returning to work until the end of the year so for now i'll just enjoy watching the girls grow up. I know anyway that if i did go back to work full time i'd miss the girls terribly and i'd feel so guilty about it. I guess this is the dilemma that most of todays women face and one there is no right answer to.

take care x

peace at last!

Both children are in bed, sean in the pub and my family back home in Edinburgh and Inverness. Peace at last!
It has been a bit of a mad weekend. My mum, sister and my niece and nephew came down to meet Ruby. They stayed at our house which was a bit of a squeeze. My little girl loved it her and my nephew were running around getting up to mischief. She kept kissing and cuddling him which was very sweet. Ruby was on good form. She has settled down loads, i've changed the bottles i was using to the dr Brown ones and the difference in her was almost instant. She still cries quite a bit but no where near as much and she settles earlier and easier at night even going as long as 5.5 hours during the night which means i'm managing to get some sleep now.
We went shopping although with 3 children under 5 there wasnt much shopping done so we gave up and went to wacky warehouse which the kids loved and it helped use up some of their endless energy. It was lovely having the family visit but it was also quite nice getting the house back to normal.
I managed to have a long soak in the bath today, maybe not worth noting for some but it seems so long since i was last able to lie back in some bubbles and read a magazine without a 2 year old trying to climb in or shouting on me from the bottom of the stairs, or a baby crying and a partner suddenly incapable of seeing to her. Its amazing what a peaceful bath can do, i feel recharged afterwards and a bit more sane. Until you have children i dont think you always appreciate 'me' time but now i make the most of it because i dont always know when i'm going to get it again.
I think i'm going to go an enjoy another pleasure now, SLEEP, something else i have to make the most of these days.

take care x

Welcome to the world Ruby Mae

It has been a while since my last blog but i've been quite busy, including giving birth!

Ruby Mae arrived (in quite a hurry) on the 2nd may at 2.38pm and weighed a healthy 8lb 3oz. After a trip to the midwife in the morning she informed me that my cervix was open around 5cm and as soon as i started having regular contractions i need to get to the hospital quickly as i would dialate to 5cm straight away. She did a membrane sweep and sent me on my merry way. Within 2hrs i started having pains which immediately came 4 minutes apart and very quickly progressed to 1 minute apart. It was a mad dash to the hospital, being held up at traffic lights, road works etc along the way. I was convinced i was going to give birth at the side of the road.

Yet again i didnt get my water birth as the head was crowning and i was ready to push by the time i got to the labour room. But i have to say the experience was so much better this time. I used gas and air and the whole thing was more relaxed and the midwives pretty much left me alone to do what came naturally. It hurt a lot less this time too, even with a baby nearly 3 pound heavier than my first. Five hours after the birth i was able to go home and celebrate with a curry.

The past 11 days have been very demanding, i breast fed for the first 5 days but Ruby is a very hungry baby with an extremely strong sucking reflex and i was in a lot of pain and i felt my other little girl wasnt getting enough attention so i swapped her to a bottle. It was a difficult decision and one which made me feel like i had failed causing a few tears, mine and ruby's. I have to say i'm finding second time around a lot harder she is not a very contented baby and cries a lot but i have to keep reminding myself it is early days and hopefully things will settle down soon. I'm feeling quite emotional too which isnt helping the situation i'm hoping its just the hormones and the tears will settle down soon too.

take care x