I've lived with depression now for 10 years. The various bouts have come and gone over varying period of time and at present i have been coping (mostly successfully) unmedicated for 2.5 years. I feel its something i'll always have though, no matter how happy i feel some days i know the darkness is just lurking around the corner waiting to grab hold at the slightest moment of weakness.
Although at the moment i'm feeling pretty good (despite feeling slightly emotional today) there is always the snowballing effect which tends to grab me unawares as if to remind me depression is still part of my life. One small thing can stress me out and all of a sudden it snowballs into this massive, all consuming, uncontrollable panic. I know i'm in control of the depression and not it of me because i still have some grasp on the reality of the situation and within a day or two i can think 'normal' again. But it still knocks me a bit.
I'm 27 weeks pregnant today and being pregnant brings its own stresses and hormonal inbalances. I think not really being able to control anything that is happening to my body and especially whats to come sets me off. But i get into a panic over the smallest things. God maybe i'm just a control freak ;) But while i'm in control it means i can cope, i've been rock bottom, self harming and suicidal before, i cried everytime i woke up because i was still alive and my biggest fear is going back there again. As soon as i lose control of my thoughts and feelings i know its a fast, free falling flight into the depths of despair. But i'm determined not to go there again, not just for me but for the sake of my lovely fiance and children. I owe them so much more.
Pregnancy is not all smiles and glowing, it can be the scariest and loneliest time in a woman's life. But the creation of life what can be more amazing than that and thats why every moment of panic and every ounce of stress is worth it. The moment your child looks at you with such unconditional love and smiles is the most magical and moving experience, nothing can top that. So for all those dark days i wished i was dead i'm now so glad that i'm still here because i wouldnt have missed this for the world.
x
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2 comments:
thanks for writing this Blog - I found it very moving. Depression can be so consuming - your children obviously bring you so much joy and it's clear how much you love them.
hya,
top blog girl!
found your honesty and isight really moving.
so glad your feeling so much better than you once were, and even more glad your here today not only have you given me a star of a niece and a star of a niece to be, but because your a top lass who offers my such great comfort and support with out even trying.
luv
purkul
x
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