spring has sprung in Scotland.

The count down is really on now, only 5 weeks to go. I've pretty much got past my danger period with regards to a premature birth so hopefully well on my way to that water birth and a beautiful healthy baby.

I'm writing this from Scotland, i'm staying in the little village i spent the first 22 years of my life growing up in. Its situated west of Edinburgh and can you believe it, tempting fate i know but we are yet to have any rain! My little girl and i have come up for a little rest before the big event. She is being spoiled terribly by her Granny and enjoying every second of it. Its quite nice though as she doesnt really see much of my family as they are all up here and its quite a distance to travel.

It is taking some time to adjust on my part, i haven't spend more than a few hours alone with my parents for many years. The last time i spent a week with them was when i got out of hospital after a failed suicide attempt at 19 years old. My relationship with them has always been strained for a number of reasons but much to my surprise it is going quite well at the moment but then it is only monday!

I was slightly nervous about coming back for any length of time i've always thought that the village holds a lot of bad memories for me as the majority of my bad bouts of depression happened when i lived here. Bringing my little girl with me has made me view the place from a different perspective she can see spring lambs from her bedroom window, instead of just rows of house roofs and there is vast fields, and trees the other side of the house. Today we went picking wild spring flowers and collecting cones, she loves just being able to run free without me calling her back for fear of her tripping over beer cans or in dog mess. In her eyes it is a magical and exciting place full of adventure and made for exploring.

It has made me realise this place wasnt so bad and i'm grateful that i had the chance to grow up in such surroundings, many kids growing up in the city dont get the chance to see lambs chasing each other around a field or foxes out hunting as the sun goes down. My depression was connected to many things and i probably outgrew my birth place but it certainly wasnt the cause. My life is totally different now, mentally i'm in a better place and i'm a different person from the one that left Scotland for good 4 1/2 years ago. I'm missing my lovely fiance like mad but i'm glad i decided to come. I'm feeling more positive for it already.

Take care and stay positive. x

im 33+3 days pregnant, i had a bit of scare last night i started having what i thought were Braxton Hicks while out shopping in Hanley they then started coming more frequently and with back pain. I called the hospital when they were coming every 4 minutes and had to make my way up to be checked out. I was feeling very emotional about it all although i did still manage enough organised thought to pack my mascara (just in case :)).

Basically baby seems happy they think i've got ANOTHER infection which is making my uterus contract, but luckily my cervix is still closed so they have prescribed complete bed rest (easier said than done with a 2 yr old at home!) and i was given a steriod injection last night (rather painful) and i had to go back today for another to help mature the babys lungs just in case.

The contractions stopped coming regularly around 2.30am still getting the odd one now and again but feeling more comfortable. Just got to wait for the test results to come back and hope the ricicle decides to stay put in the mean time.

This pregnancy seems to have been plagued with problems but once my little bundle arrives i'm sure it will have been all worth it.

x

The nesting syndrome

I'm 33 +1 weeks pregnant and just wishing for it to be over now. Dont think i can survive another 7 weeks. I'm in quite a bit of discomfort now and especially today where i hurt from head to toe and unmentionable places too. Think some of the aches and pains may be down to the nesting syndrome kicking in, i kind of went on a mad cleaning spree the last couple of days with lots of ruthless decluttering of toys the scary thing is i quite enjoyed it, which believe me is quite unusual for me. I just hope it lasts until i finish the final 3 rooms upstairs. I'm only 1.5 weeks away from when i delivered my little girl so i'm supposed to be taking it easy but when you get the urge you just gotta go with it and i'm feeling very restless so sitting with my feet up is the last thing i want to do even if it was possible with a busy 2 year old running around.

I finished work on sunday so i'm a lady of leisure now, well sort of. The hospital had advised that i dont do any lifting at work from now on and since about 90% of my job as a health care support worker involves manual handling of some discription, we came to a mutual decision that i would finish a bit earlier than planned. I think its probably a good thing though, it means i can spend more time with my little one before the baby arrives and i can try and get the house in order for the arrival, oh and rest of course.

Feeling quite tearful at the moment and very irritable, putting it down to pregnancy hormones though. I just hope they settle down soon, i feel like i'm either a walking teardrop or an arguement waiting to happen.

I've been giving the birth a bit more thought recently but to be honest i think denial is the best place to be. I hated the whole experience last time and the thought of having the same sort of birth again isnt a nice thought to have, it wasn't all that traumatic compared to some stories i've heard but it was just everything i didnt want. But i suppose you just have to think positively and if i can get past 37 weeks i'm well on my way to the water birth i wanted first time around.

On a more happy note, its Mother's day on sunday (my little girl was born on Mother's day, lets hope history doesnt repeat itself) so that's something to look forward to. Happy Mother's day to all of you who are mums or mums to be out there, hope you have a good day however you spend it.

x

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY LITTLE SAUSAGE!!!

My little girl is 2 today!!! Look at her when she was just a tiny sleepy baby, oh how she has changed. God its scary i look at her now running around with a fairy crown on her head amongst the chaos of presents and wrapping paper and it just seems like yesterday the midwife was handing me this little scrawny orange (very jaundice) premature baby. I cant believe i've survived 2 years and more amazing still that she has survived 2 years. She was sitting having lunch and started counting and got straight through from 1 to 12 with no hesitation or mistakes and it really made me smile i've got a beautiful, happy, clever little girl and i made her (ok with a little help from her daddy) i've really not done such a bad job, she makes me so proud.

And i'm just about to do it all again. I'm 32 weeks today. I was at the hospital yesterday to see the consultant again and i've been discharged back to the care of my midwife because they are really happy with the baby. They have said the next 2.5 weeks are my most dangerous period because thats when i delivered my little girl but if i can get past that then my chances of delivering prematurely really decrease, so i'll be keeping my legs crossed for now and its all down to the ricicle now and when she decides she wants to enter this world.

take care and stay positive.